Wanted: Someone To Be Me For A Day

Here is my job posting to be me for a day.

JOB TITLE:  Superwoman

JOB DESCRIPTION: 

  • Wake up at 6 a.m. to get middle schooler up and ready for school.  (sometimes it’s a hassle because he likes to keep sleeping and will expect you to be the snooze on his alarm clock).  You’ll have to fuss at him to get off the 3DS, iPhone, and to tie his shoes (they always come unlaced).
  • Once the middle schooler leaves, prepare to get the 8 yr-old up and ready for school.  He is a special needs child, so getting him ready is a major chore.  Be ready to dress him while his eyes are focused on PBS Sprout channel.  He may also have a meltdown at the last-minute, when it’s time to leave for maybe even the smallest thing.
  • Sleep a couple of hours or run errands until time to get ready for work.  12-hour shifts 1p-1:30a.
  • If you don’t run errands on the day you work, then cook dinner and wash a load (or two if you have time) of dirty laundry before you leave for work.
  • If you don’t work that day, work on the to-do list (errands, phone calls, shopping, etc.)
  • Check on my brother at the nursing home.  I’m his legal guardian so you may be given decision-making questions/ideas either by phone or while you’re at the nursing home.  Be prepared for his smart mouth.  He is paralyzed from MS (Multiple Sclerosis), and the only thing that he can pretty much move on his own is that sharp tongue of his.
  • If you’re working that day, squeeze in a 10-15 minute nap before showering.  You’re going to need it because you will be working in an Emergency Department at a level 1 trauma center.
  • If you’re not working, be prepared to hear the middle schooler run his mouth when he gets home from school about what you cooked.  You’ll have to fuss that he can’t always have fast/fried foods.

QUALIFICATIONS:

  • Must have patience
  • Must be willing to work with special needs child
  • Must be able to multi-task, take constructive criticism, and not take mess off anyone at work
  • Must know how to cook
  • Must have conflict resolution skills (the boys fight every night.  The youngest is very aggressive and violent most of the time)
  • Must be able to get by with no more than 3-4 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period
  • Must be a quick thinker and problem solver, especially if the school calls because the youngest is having a meltdown.  You may be told to pick him up.  If you’re at work, prepare to leave right away or call around and find someone to go up to the school.

SALARY:  You will be generously rewarded with excessive fatigue, throbbing headache, back talk, and little to no sleep.

HOW TO APPLY:  Applications are being accepted at the homes of women with a full-time job (and part-time if she has one like me), and special needs child(ren).  That way, in case you don’t live in Michigan, at least someone will be able to take a well deserved break. Applications accepted worldwide.

APPLICATION DEADLINE:  There will never be a deadline.

Remember the errands I mentioned?  Well this is my errand for the day, writing this blog post.  Now it’s time for me to rush and jump in the shower to start my 12-hour shift.  Oh yeah, and remember the part-time job?  I already worked one of them at the elementary school earlier this morning.

Please apply soon.  There are plenty of superwomen, like myself, that needs you.

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